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IN PRAISE OF BALDNESStc "IN PRAISE OF BALDNESS"

Baldness is a distinguishing mark of man. Most great men of the world, who are shining examples of human glory, are spotted with their shining pates. Philosophers and politicians, prophets and pontiffs, doctors and divines, statesmen and scientists, painters and poets, in short, men of distinction in life have all been bald. It is apparent that baldness and greatness are foster brothers. It is difficult to think of a great man without his being bald. It is not that all men are great. All bald men are great. Socrates and Cicero, Shakespeare and Shaw, Leonardo da Vinci and Picasso, Rajaji and Nehru, Raman and Radhakrishnan, so dear to us and a host of eminent men the world over have been bald.

A thick mop of hair does not go well with authority and position. Kennedy and Clinton, for all their power and pelf, vigour and vitality, suffer from school-boy looks.

No one has seen Hippocrates, the father of medicine. When people wanted to visualise him artists intutively painted his portrait giving him a bald crown. It is clear that bald men are not of common clay. You will agree with me that elderly men with silver hair cannot be happily associated with any distinction. Shakespeare in his JULIUS CAESAR makes Ceasar describe his senators as “the grey beards� hinting clearly that the wise senators of Rome were bald.

Apart from representing the cream and essence of creation, bald men are jovial and lovable. They are popular and praise worthy. Such men of different ideologies and camps like Eisenhover and Kruschev had this common stamp of merit on their heads. The moment they removed their hats with a good humoured flourish, with a smile on their lips and a twinkle in their eye, lo! they revealed the shining brilliance of their greatness. The present Chinese leaders fail to make any impact with their neatly plastered hair. Not so Putin, the newly elected President of Russia.  Fortunately he has a receding hair line which augurs well for the prosperity of his country.

Baldness is a sign of civilization. All civilized men have no hair on their heads compared to their unfortunate brethren who are nearer to their hairy ancestor. It occurs to me that women are never bald nor is there a chance for them to join the ranks of baldmen even in far future. Science tells us that thousands of years hence all men will be bald. Atleast in this aspect, women, I regret to say, have no chance to catch up with men, women who have all along been clamouring for equality with men. Very rarely women go bald. But it may be a result of a disease, not because of distinction.

Baldness has another interesting feature. It carves out a fashion in society. You have heard of Yul Brynner, the Hollywood actor. He was bald as an egg. Did you note, dear reader, baldness has contributed a gem of an expression to the English language enriching its vocabulary! Yul Brynner was the biggest draw at the box office and the heart throb of the fair sex. His admirers did not want to see him sporting a wig. His leading ladies wanted to act with him because he was so different, so unique, so charming and so handsomely bald. Youngmen and women in America and the world crazily liked his smooth top and ardently wished one for themselves! Our own heroes of the celluloid in India have to learn a lesson from Brynner and refuse to wear a wig if they are bald as some happily are.

Baldness fetches fortunes as in Japan. The baldest man is given a fat purse a prince would envy. The domes of these noble species of mankind are carefully and tenderly scrutinised, pore by pore, with microscopic diligence and detail to make sure of genuine baldness. This healthy and worthy practice should be encouraged by the State in all countries. The nation with the highest number of baldmen should be awarded a shining shield or something for its pre-eminence.

Baldness grows in a silent and dignified manner. Its progress is truly regal, slow, steady and sure. None can stop this royal process. Just as a true monarch does not bow to flattery and mean practices, so too baldness refuses to bow to medical science.

The first signs are always imperceptible. The process is painless. It curtails expenditure on cosmetics. When you become conscious of a thinning top do not despair. Do not panic. Do not take to hair-growers. Do not whisper in confidence to your barber for possible miracle drugs. Do not rush and run to hair transplant clinics and hair weaving saloons. Instead watch with interest the curve and contour your baldness takes. Celebrate your impending eminence by joining the Baldings Club. Observe others who are bald. Compare notes and exult in your special style. There is a divinity that shapes your baldness. A luxurious growth of hair on your head may add inches to your height but covers up, clouds, and darkens your intellectual horizon and obstructs the rays of divine enlightenment dawning on you. That is why, I think, our elders shaved their heads when they did not go bald. Blessed are the bald for theirs is the joys of the shower. Sad will be the day when man’s fate rests on the locks of his pate. We all know Samson’s sorry plight. So, dear reader, grow bald and go gay! To be bald is very heaven!